World-Renowned Panacea

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Disclaimer: These are fictional stories for a real line of scents, based on the sales tactics of years ago, when products claimed to do everything imaginable. None of our scents are anything but that: scents. They do not, in any way, do anything other than smell good. So please do not try to drink them or think that they are actually miracle cures. They're just perfume!

It’s Wednesday night. You’re on spring break, and your roommate is out for the night. You were out for the night, and now you’re on the couch watching late night TV: infomercials; made-for-TV movies from the early 80s about the dangers of drugs; old game shows from the 70s with weirdly racist answers so they can only be replayed at 3am. You pop another cheesy corn puff in your mouth and wash it down with bourbon, half-asleep, the blue light of the television washing over you like a comforting wave. You must have fallen asleep at some point, because you’re awoken to a man in what appears to be a full-on Liberace cape and jumpsuit combination yelling at you about his miracle cure for everything. You blearily reach for an old cup of coffee from the previous morning and take a sip. “That’s right, Dr. Fantastic’s World-Renowned Panacea can be yours for only 3 payments of $18.95, plus $5.95 shipping and handling per bottle. Call the number flashing on the screen now! Dr. Fantastic’s World-Renowned Panacea can do it all. It handles even the toughest of problems: gout, lethargy, arthritis, low cholesterol, high cholesterol, no cholesterol, pink eye, side-eye, dry eye, UTI, and chicken that won’t fry! None of them are a match against Dr. Fantastic’s World-Renowned Panacea!” Between his sparkly jumpsuit, the crazy graphics on the screen, and now the voice of the incredibly fast talking announcer backpedaling on all the claims like an auctioneer trying to keep track of betting at a Christie’s auction, your head starts pounding. “Dr. Fantastic’s Wonderment Emporium is not responsible for loss of life, limb, property, or pregnancy resulting from the use of….” is the last thing you hear as you mute the TV and pull a blanket over your head. You begin to wonder if that panacea would work on hangovers as you drift off to sleep.

Scent notes: Kentucky bourbon, bay rum, pipe tobacco, bay leaf, spiced mocha, lumps of coal.

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