Eternal Darnation

Scent Notes: Ruby red pomegranate seeds found in darkest Hades. As you walk to the surface, a whisper of Spring heliotrope flowers are barely glimpsed through the thick layers of smoke and ash.

Philip was a mild troublemaker his whole life. He’d always been well-liked, but any minor inconvenience to his family or his friends, and often total strangers, was likely his fault. For example, if there was one last cookie, or donut, or slice of cake, he ate it. No special treat could be set aside. Toilet paper not replaced? Philip’s fault. Barely any gas left in the car after he was driving? Philip didn’t fill up. Everyone always cursed him to eternal darnation every time they discovered the last chicken wing was gone, or the toilet seat was left up. He always laughed it off. He never committed any real sins. His misbehaviors were minor transgressions, at best, usually just annoyances for everyone … except Philip himself, of course. 

Imagine his surprise when, one morning, he awoke not in his bed, but in a dark, hot cave. The smell of sulphur was permeating his nostrils, and there was a random pomegranate tree growing out of the ground and flourishing. He got up to grab a pomegranate, when he heard a cough coming from the distance behind him. It was the kind of cough that said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He turned and saw a huge, imposing figure. It was dark, so he could only make out the shape, which appeared to his eyes to be not entirely human.

“You must be the famous Philip,” the figure answered. “We’ve heard a lot about you here.” 

“Where am I?” he asked, backing away from the tree and the figure, which had begun to walk towards him. A small laugh escaped the figure’s mouth. As the figure got closer, it shrank. And shrank. Philip stood there in shock and awe as he realized a toddler was walking towards him. He nearly burst out laughing, except that this toddler was bright red with wings and horns sprouting out of his head. “Who … who are you? Where am I?” Philip stuttered in complete disbelief. “Welcome, Philip, to Eternal Darnation!” the toddler said happily. “We’ll let you in the fiery gates shortly, I just wanted to greet you personally as so many people have wished for your presence here for so many years!” Philip shook his head. “I’m in Hell? And you’re the Devil?” Philip asked, incredulously. 

The toddler scoffed. “No! I’m the Demon Child! I rule over Eternal Darnation. It’s a lesser version of the worst afterlife, but it’s still incredibly annoying.” Philip looked terrified. “What happens here?”

“Well, the cafeteria will always be out of your favorite foods and desserts. Your clothing will always just be slightly too tight, and too short. You’ll always be slightly too hot or too cold, no matter what you do. Your puzzles will always be missing one or two pieces. Your blankets will always be too small, and your mattress will have a weird lump in it that’s always in a different, inconvenient spot, so you never sleep well. You know. Minor inconveniences like the ones you caused everyone your whole life, Philip,” the Demon Child said. Philip began to cry, totally overwhelmed and upset. The Demon Child shrugged. “Hey, you couldn’t be bothered to replace the empty paper towel holder in the kitchen or take the garbage fully outside even one time. If it had been my choice, you’d be in the worst place. So thank your lucky stars you’re just in Darnation. Come along, now, Philip. It’s time to show you to your room.” It was at that moment that Philip realized he was now wearing a wool sweater that itched his arms, and the shoes on his feet pinched his toes just enough to be uncomfortable. He followed the Demon Child through the fiery gates, through a dank, dark courtyard, to a huge building. From there they went up and down multiple sets of stairs, down and around dozens of hallways, finally ending up in his small room. Really, it was more like a cell. Philip sat down on the mattress. Sure enough, there was a lump right where he sat. There was a chair where one leg was slightly shorter than the others, and all the furniture was mismatched ever so slightly. The toilet was running. 

As the Demon Child went to shut the door, Philip began pleading with him. “I’ll do anything, anything, if I can go back to my life and make amends and be a better person. I don’t want to live like this for all eternity. What can I do?” The Demon Child stopped for a minute and thought about it. “Well, you can promise me that you’ll never repeat any of the behaviors you did when you were alive that had every person who ever knew you curse you to this place on multiple occasions.” “Deal! I’ll be a perfect angel!” Philip stood up, ready to get out of this wretched place. The Demon Child started laughing. “Hilarious! I love when they fall for that,” the Demon Child said as the door shut behind him, locking Philip inside. “They always fall for it!” The tiny, childlike laughter echoed down every hallway as he left Philip sitting in his cell, regretting every time he didn’t return a shopping cart at the grocery store.

Scent Notes: Ruby red pomegranate seeds found in darkest Hades. As you walk to the surface, a whisper of Spring heliotrope flowers are barely glimpsed through the thick layers of smoke and ash.