The moon had risen. The day was just beginning for Sylvia, Giorgio, Louisa, and Claudius, who were sitting around their shared kitchen table, planning out the day’s events, drinking their mugs of synthetic blood. Claudius shivers after every sip. “You all know I hate this stuff; I much prefer the real thing,” he said with a sigh.
“Yes, Claudius, we all know this, but unfortunately you are also a lazy ass who hasn’t had luck finding virgin blood for quite some time, so get used to it,” Louisa said with barely a glance in his direction.
“Well, that’s going to change tonight! I have a date with a fine lady I met on the web of the world. Did you know there’s a way to connect most of the planet through a series of tubes? It’s incredible!”
Sylvia rolled her eyes. “Of course we know; I’m an IT manager. We’ve had the internet for years, we’ve just finally gotten you to adapt. And, speaking of, we should probably help you pick out your outfit so it doesn’t immediately scream ‘vampire’ when she sees you.”
Claudius stood up and looked down at his clothing. “What on earth do you mean? I look like a normal, dashing chap! She should be thrilled to see me!” He did a little twirl, his cape flaring out behind him.
The others started to laugh uproariously. “Come on now, look at you! You’re every stereotype in the book at once. No wonder you’ve been having trouble getting blood,” Giorgio said. Sylvia, Giorgio, and Louisa were all in jeans and sweaters. Claudius, on the other hand, was wearing skintight leather pants with lacing up the sides, a black velvet vest over a white frilly shirt with a leather jacket on top of all of that, plus an ornately embroidered black cape with a high collar and a red lining. It was a mix of modern, sexy vampire and classic, old school scary vampire. It was also the only outfit he’d worn for decades, having swapped in the leather pieces in the early 80s when sexy vampires were all the rage. It was preposterous.
“You look like three vampires merged into one, shitty, lesser trying-too-hard vampire,” Louisa said, taking a long drink from her mug. Giorgio got up from the table. “If you want to bag a virgin human woman, you should also look like a virgin. Or at least a human, and not so obviously a vampire. Come with me, we’ll raid my closet and get you all set for this big date!” Claudius looked quite upset for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders. “If it’ll get me fresh blood so I can stop drinking this artificial crap, I’ll do it. I think it’s giving me cancer,” he said as he walked out of the room.
“You are the undead you CAN’T GET CANCER YOU DONKEY,” Sylvia shouted after him.
An hour later, Sylvia and Louisa were in the living room. Sylvia was working on her laptop, and Louisa was reading a popular vampire novel and laughing at how inaccurate and inane it was. Giorgio strode confidently into the room. “Ladies, I would like to present to you: Claudius, the definitely-not-undead, probably-a-virgin, and absolutely-a-human-male-who-is-not-a-vampire!”
Claudius walked in sheepishly. He was wearing a pair of Giorgio’s jeans that were at least 2 sizes too large with a brown leather belt and a garish, oversized turquoise belt buckle. Tucked into the jeans was a vintage shirt that said, “Frankie Says Relax!” On top of the shirt was a pink-and-yellow plaid flannel that looked oddly tight in the forearms and loose on his shoulders. He looked absolutely ridiculous.
“Wow, you look like a guy!” Sylvia said. “A hipster guy with weird taste. It’s perfect. She’ll never suspect a thing!”
Claudius brightened. “You think so?”
“Yeah, you look stupid, but in a human way now, so you’re good,” said Louisa, looking back down at her book. “Don’t forget to pretend to drink human alcohol tonight, you know, like a real human would.”
Claudius smirked. “Very funny. I’m thinking that she’ll take one look at me and we’ll skip all those formalities and go right to her place. Who could resist me? I’m just an average guy!” He gave them all finger guns, turned around, and walked out of the room. It was only as they were walking out that they realized that the back of the flannel was completely, obviously soaked in old blood spatter. They all looked at each other and shrugged. “I’m going to order him some normal clothes online now. Let’s hope they don’t get lost in all those tubes!” Louisa said, and the three of them laughed so hard their fangs popped out.
Scent Notes: Cozy warm blankets, cloves, butter cookies, blood accord