Majestic Miracle Tonic

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RETIRED: This product has been discontinued.

This product is no longer available, but you can view our fresh house fragrances to find something you'll love.

  • Scent Notes
    Three types of sage: blackberry, dalmatian, and juniper, cactus flower, gasoline, musty white musk.
  • Description
      Disclaimer: These are fictional stories for a real line of scents, based on the sales tactics of years ago, when products claimed to do everything imaginable. None of our scents are anything but that: scents. They do not, in any way, do anything other than smell good. So please do not try to drink them or think that they are actually miracle cures. They're just perfume! You’re flipping through a stack of magazines on your bed, bored AF. It’s summer vacation, but all your friends are out of town. The air is stifling, even with all the windows open and a breeze blowing in. You can hear your mom outside mulching, or planting, or whatever you have to do to keep a garden growing. Your room smells faintly of sage from the cleansing she’d done to the whole house to officially welcome summer and cast out the negative built-up energy of winter and spring from the air. She’d always been a weird hippie, and that didn’t seem to be changing as you got older, but who cares? You just want your crush, Tommy, to call you when he’s home from his family reunion/vacation to the amusement park two states away. He’s been gone for nearly 36 hours and you might die if you can’t ride your bike past his house in your new halter top sixteen times in an hour tomorrow, just hoping to catch a glimpse. You’d kill for your family to have their own pool, because there’s no way you’re going to wear a bathing suit in public, nor go swimming in that public cesspool down at the rec center. Gag. You open another magazine, flip through, take a couple quizzes that confirm you’ll be alone and bored forever, and grab a new one. But this one you don’t recognize. It’s some kind of gardening/herbalism magazine of your mom’s, you guess, full of seeds and lotions and potions and articles about yoga and whatever the hell a chakra is. Towards the end, a bunch of those little cardboard mail-in-order slips are stuck in. One falls out and into your lap. “Dr. Fantastic’s Majestic Miracle Tonic. Guaranteed to perform miracles and amazing acts of magic. For treatment of consumption, the spins, addiction, cholera, food poisoning, mother-in-laws, chicken pox, pneumonia, scarlet fever, yellow fever, and typhoid fever. Also works as a Love Potion and bathroom cleaner!” The words “Love Potion” catch your eye, and you immediately grab a pencil and start filling out the form. Sure, it’s $10 that you don’t have, but that’s why you have your mom’s credit card number memorized. It might take a while to get here, sure, but once it’s yours and Tommy is back in town, he doesn’t stand a chance.

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