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Bounty out on Medium Dave, second-in-command of the notoriously haphazard band of criminals known as the Suc Gang. Also known by alias Large Mouth. Seen repeatedly on security cameras of the local gas station stealing Slurpees by putting his mouth directly under the nozzle, and filling his gullet to maximum capacity. Sometimes wearing a fake mustache of varying believability, or a novelty baseball hat. Also caught on camera several steps away having massive brain freeze EVERY TIME.

No, Dave, just because there’s no sign explicitly stating that you need to buy a cup and purchase the Slurpee doesn’t mean this isn’t a crime. Plus, it’s just unhygienic and kind of stupid. We’re offering a reward of $25 leading to his whereabouts, although we’re fairly certain he’ll be back at that gas station again once the most recent brain freeze has worn off. Or that he’ll turn himself in for $25; either way, as long as we can get his big mouth off the streets and off the Slurpee machines.

Scent notes: so much blueberry (like Violet Beauregard levels of blueberry), freshly squeezed lemon, fancy Tahitian vanilla, a little bear jar of honey. Dave requested Snozberry, but that’s not a thing. Basically it smells like a blue Slurpee, but a really expensive, delicious blue Slurpee you’d have to pay a lot of money for (no more stealing!).

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