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Be on the lookout for Lazy Susan, member of the incredibly incompetent Suc Gang. Honestly, she’s not hard to find; she’s infamous for falling asleep mid-crime. Often, she doesn’t even complete her dastardly task, because she decides it’s time for nap. And we’re not just talking in people’s homes: she falls asleep on displays of fruit in the supermarket, her intent to steal the watermelon evident by it protruding straight up from her shirt while she snores in full view of customers and security cameras. She got her nickname after stealing bags full of dessert from a 24 hour grocery store, and was discovered ten minutes later on the kiddie carousel passed out as it went around and around.

No, she doesn’t have narcolepsy. She’s just that lazy. She can’t be bothered to finish anything when she’s tired. She’s been found passed out on children’s slides at local parks; in the lingerie section of Target with a bra on her face like a sleep mask; on top of a cage full of pillows at Walmart. You name it, she’s slept there. Since she hardly ever gets away with it, we aren’t too concerned, but stop taking pictures and tagging her on Instagram; you aren’t helping.

Scent notes: tuberose, white magnolia blossom, crisply folded cotton sheets, Egyptian musk, a freshly poured Hefeweizen beer in a frosty cold mug.

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